In The Screwtape Letters, CS Lewis used the fascinating literary device of writing on behalf of the devil. In this post, one of our pastor friends from Philly does the same (he originally wrote this for the men in his church, then shared it with some other pastors). So men, here are Satan’s top ten suggestions for your New Year’s Resolutions.
DIRECTLY FROM SATAN TO YOU: TOP TEN NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS FOR MEN
That’s right, men: top ten New Year’s Resolution suggestions from Satan.
#10. Look at more porn
Let’s face it—porn is awesome. Look how much I am doing through the world through my world-porn strategy—it’s time for you to really get on board with the program (porn’s not bigger than all major sports combined for nothing). You’re not as addicted, self-medicating and self-focused as I would like to see. Dabbling more in porn will also cut down on the joy and peace and love for others I see in your life that is really concerning me. Let me add one thing for you pathetic married guys: this is my number one hope for your marriage—more porn. Trust me on this one.
#9. Less Bible reading
If you could cut down on this, you’ll have less of God’s promises and annoying comforts and you will be reminded less of His work and agenda (“he who shall not be named” ….. you know….. the guy who rose from the dead and ruined everything) rattling around your head and heart. Less Bible reading and meditation will really open you up to increasing your worry, anxiety, and self-pity—- all things I think you could take great strides in 2010. This is YOUR year. Let’s go for it.
#8. Drink alone more often
Forget all that “balance” and “all things in moderation” crap and stick with my straight-forward “more often/more alone/more drinks” program. This is best to try when feeling sorry for yourself, something else is bothering you, etc. Let me comfort you here. You might have to isolate yourself to really pull this off….. let’s talk later about how to hide what you are doing from others. If drinking isn’t your thing, and you’ve failed to get on board with my self-medication strategy: please consider focusing on some other all-consuming addiction. Be it pills, working too much, spending hours each week in chat rooms or an online gaming universe, my advice is simple: find a way to escape what’s really going on in your life and the world around you and immerse yourself in it. Find a way to escape and numb pain and let’s get started. You’ll be lost in it before you know it. Do it. Pick a distracting, life-sucking addiction and let’s get committed.
#7. Isolate yourself more from other men
Keep friendships shallow—this is a must for my agenda for your life. I would rather you stay away from other men in general and ignore their challenge in your life. Especially avoid men who talk about HIM, love HIM, and want to serve and follow HIM. Avoid men who engage in “confession” and “repentance”—it’s contagious. This pisses me off and ruins everything.
#6. More bragging and focus on your reputation
If you do have what I consider problem friendships in your life (people who will challenge you contrary to my purposes and agenda in your life), you might want to consider subtly bragging about your accomplishments. Pastors can lead in this, which is ironic when you think about it. Worry more about what others think—- let that rule guide what you share with others. I always lay this down as a general rule. Battle hard the idea that there has been redemption and salvation for you provided by “you know who”. Focus more on appearing to have it together and that’s really all you have to worry about. Above all costs, don’t admit any weakness—that might invite HIM messing with your life.
#5. Do more to keep the Ch^%$CH (I don’t even like to see that entity’s name in print) at arms length
Try to HATE HER (ch#@CH), ridicule HER, point out HER faults….. anything to lessen involvement. I hate HER because HE loves HER so much… it’s so weird and committed. Almost like they were married or something. Lame. Anyway, quit ch*#ch stuff. It sucks anyway. Just keep telling yourself that.
#4. Do more weird stuff with money
Pick one of my strategies and get disciplined with it. Hoard your money, or blow your money, or ignore your money—- any one of these strategies will be awesome as far as I am concerned. Whatever happens or however you are challenged in area of money, don’t regress and starting giving, sharing and saving. Apart from working against my goals in your life, the giving/sharing/saving stuff greatly helps HIS mission and the “ch#$ch”, which I know I don’t have to remind you that I hate. If you’re struggling with this, just watch a lot of ads and meditate on things you deserve to own. Again, trust me on this.
#3. Go on a diet
I would love to see you do this: a diet from serving and from loving others in HIS name. When men cut down on this, I can’t tell you how much it helps the neighborhood and city swing the direction I want it to go. For those of you who are up to it: I suggest a total fast. Quit what you are involved in and complain about what you see. This “quit and complain” strategy goes a long way to discouraging others from further involvement, which is also obviously a big win as far as I am concerned.
#2. Dwell more on failures in the past
This helps to shut down what I see as problem growth. HE will be calling to you repent, to grow, to seek change, to humble yourself and pray,… to basically believe the Gospel. I don’t need to tell you that I hate the Gospel. If you would really dwell on past mistakes and push your guilt down (instead of bringing it to HIM), we could increase your sense of shame and condemnation. This, of course, would be awesome in my book. Whenever you are tempted to think that HE could help you—remember that you truly truly suck and this is the way you will always be. Loser. Failure. Go over past lists of mistakes…… I can whisper these to you if you’ve forgotten. Think of nothing else and we’ll be set. Forget HIM and keep your attention, where I, Satan, want it to be. Just remember I love you and I’m not lying.
#1. Skip Prayer
Avoiding prayer to HIM, and especially avoiding prayer to HIM with other men, is really key to all of the above. This activity attacks everything I want in your life, and works towards everything I hate. Friday morning at 6am?…. Give me a break. Stay in bed and be my little b*$%! just like we talked about.